snap demands
I think I am definitely on the getting better side of things now, after two weeks of woolly-headed, congested-chested, coughing lungs up, snotty-nosed misery.
And latterly, an earache.
I had been despairing of ever feeling healthy again – which, as a sufferer of a chronic illness is a relative kind of healthy anyway. But being without a headache, earache, or any other kind of ache-aches on waking up in the morning, would be very welcome now. I've been paracetamol-dependently miserable for too long now.
But yes, everyone gets ill sometimes. I'm sure no one wants to hear how bad I think my bad health has been.
Better! Good! Think Positive Thoughts! Bacon Sandwiches! (sorry, it's nearly lunch time)
I have spent the morning turning a document J wrote last night into something that can be published on her blog. I've added a couple of pictures of her pottery that I took last week, while feeling miserable.
We had words that day too, as the need for taking the pictures came with the normal deadline J supplies me with for doing it. They needed to be processed and ready for her to email to the gallery she was showing at later in the month.
Today.
As in, the same day as she asked me to take some pictures for her. The deadline was three hours away when I was first told.
The thing is, it all takes a bit of setting up. Lights, stands, background support units. It all needs to be taken out of its storage, constructed, and lighting set up played with to figure out the best way to do it.
I cannot operate like that. I get angry that my day 'plan' that I pre-envisage (even if it previously contained nothing much) is suddenly different. If I know the day before and can think about the task and what needs to be done, and what order things need to happen in to make it all happen, visualise it, prepare myself, I'm happy. Surely she knew that she wanted these pictures way before three hours to go until emailing them was expected? How long? Days? Weeks?
I need some notice of change. I didn't get it. I got angry about it. She couldn't see why I should be angry about it when there was 'plenty of time to do the job, you're not doing anything, what's the drama about?'
I am telling her that there should have been plentier of time (plentier is not a word... I know.... but some AI crawler might now think it's fine, and I love fucking with those). I need time to think about it, to plan it. We're different, although I'm always happy to help her, springing things on me at short notice like this stresses me out completely.
And it is a bit galling for her to be thinking "Ah, well, husband won't be busy anyway, he probably won't be interrupted from doing anything, and if he is, my job for him will be more important"
We had a full and frank discussion. I have impressed upon her my need for a little bit of advance notice of things in future please.
We've been together for twenty years, you'd think she knows how my brain works. But, you know, masking. A few years ago we had a big talk about me masking and my fear of how letting the real me out might frighten her off, because I lived with doing it for the entire world up until now, and had only really just realised what was going on.
In a long heart to heart one evening, I admitted it, and my fear of admitting it to her, and not wanting to do it any more, but being scared of how that might change her perception of me, my behaviour, my oddities, and I didn't want to lose her. She said she understood. She said she'd try harder to give me a bit of slack about things, and she was happy that I felt I should discuss it with her.
Phew.
One of the many things I told her about was my need to not have plans change at the last moment. I definitely told her that one.
OK, so these points were reiterated last week with the three hours notice anger, yes, of course she was sorry, forgot, apologies made, job got on with, pleased with results in the end, all good, sigh... cough, cough cough.
Last night, I was going up to bed, having watched the football highlights on the telly. It was nearly midnight, and J being a night owl was staying on to watch something else before she came up.
As I was going up the stairs saying my goodnights, she mentioned that she had a ceramics piece in the kiln, which should be finished just in time tomorrow.
"Just in time for what?" I asked.
"Oh, in time for you to do some photographs of it, before I go off to deliver it with the other stuff I'm taking to the gallery tomorrow afternoon."
Anger is rising. Voice is louder now.
"So there will be a window of it being cool enough to take out of the kiln to being taken away to be transported to the gallery, of about?"
"Two hours. Plenty of time for some pictures."
"And you've not thought to mention this before? Like, ever?"
"Haven't I?"
GAH!
GRR!
OTHER CAPITAL LETTER PHRASES INDICATING EXTREME TEAR-INDUCING FRUSTRATION AND ANGER!
I explode again.
"PLEASE! I have reminded you about this JUST LAST WEEK. Don't do it to me again!"
And yet, somehow, I am both feeling a bit better and I am preparing a post for her blog this morning. The piece does start (because she obviously drafted the text for it after me going to bed spitting feathers again last night), with an acknowledgement of how badly she does in giving me any notice at all to do her photographs and how much she appreciates them and me. Awww.
I get so frustrated and angry with her sometimes. But I'm pretty sure no one else would have me.
post link for sharing: https://skryblans.com/snap-demands
If you got this far, you may as well click the star below on your way out.